A Year's Worth of Lessons from Aunt Kim

I don't know why but I can't seem to keep it together today. Kaia keeps looking up at me with this confused look on her face, sometimes she laughs because she thinks I'm laughing but then realizes that I'm sad and gets all sorts of confused. Today's not the only day that I haven't been able to keep it together. Some days Steven comes home and sees my puffy, red, swollen eyes and knows I've been missing Aunt Kim again. He doesn't really say anything but gives me a hug and lets me finish my cry.

I think one of the hardest tests of mortality is to reckon with, wrestle with, and accept death. With the knowledge that I will see her again someday, you would think I would have a better handle on my emotions. But, really, there are days where I just ache to talk to her or hear her laugh or spend time with her.

The days following Kaia's birth were probably the hardest for me so far. I missed her so much. I wanted so badly for my kids to know Aunt Kim. She was such an example to me and I wanted them to be as mesmerized as I was by the magic that surrounded Kim. Another hard day was when I went to pick out seeds for our new garden. I've hardly any experience with gardening and was so confused as to which vegetables to plant, how to start composting, when to start propogating...I stood in the garden center in town and was at a loss for about an hour and a half as to what to do. Who would I call? The sweet sales associate was very confused but very kind to me. She passed me several times and I would try very very hard to cry a little quieter and to not be such a booby about it.

I honestly feel like I've lost my fairy godmother, and have no idea how I'm going to get to the ball. Aunt Kim was such an enchanting person, after having her involved in my life for my whole life long, this void seems to ache more and more as time goes on.

But although she is gone, her spirit and example have been with me and she continues to teach me so many important life lessons. Here are just a few of them:

I continue to learn from her the importance of getting an education--not going to college or graduating with a degree--but getting an education. She had a hunger for knowledge and if she found some skill or information she wanted to learn she saw to it to acquire it. She is the greatest example I have known of loving lifelong learning. I will continue to pursue a college education, but I won't let that lofty goal discourage me from teaching myself new skills or knowledge from books and others around me. She was a "mover and a shaker" and if she wanted to attempt it, she made it happen. Aunt Kim was incredibly intelligent and very wise.

She still impresses me with her temperance, her kindness, her patience, and her compassion. I found out last November that Janessa was expecting and was just puzzled as to how I should handle this. I knew that I needed to be kind about it, but how should I go about doing it? How do I let Janessa know that I love her, but that I am heartbroken for her as well? I drew strength from Aunt Kim's motto: "Be the strong domino." I want to be just like her--she let her actions speak for themselves. She showed all around her that she loved them; she didn't let it stop at just words. Kim was encouraging, hopeful, and supportive. I want to be a beacon of light like she was. She had the Healer's art.

What I loved most about Aunt Kim was her magic. She didn't let those little moments pass by. Aunt Kim took the time to stop and enjoy a moment. I try at least once or twice a day to stop what I'm doing and enjoy the moment: at least once with Kaia and at least once to enjoy the beauties outside or the little accomplishments at home--the beautiful fire going in the fireplace, an excellent dinner, a lovely warm shower, a good visit with friends, a belly laugh, a funny movie, a sewing project that turned out well, laying my head on Steven's shoulder, a gentle kiss from him on my forehead, my sweet girl softly asleep in my arms.

I miss you Aunt Kim somethin' terrible. I know I will see you again, but in the mean time, could you check up on me and my little family as much as you can? Will you help me when you can?

I am waiting for the leaves to start budding on the trees so I can start preparing my garden, flower beds, and herb garden. I want it to be a sanctuary like Aunt Kim's. I know I'm just starting, but Kim had a beginning, too, and she accomplished so much. After all, I think I believe in lemons. And I can't wait to see green again.

So, now, I'm going to go cry some more and enjoy a bag of chocolates in your honor. Missing you.